last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
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You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
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This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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