before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
