just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
