dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake đź‘Ś
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
