Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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