God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Randomize
