i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
