I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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