I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
When did we convert life to cartoon?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Damn victory sex feels great
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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