how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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