I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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