so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
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chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
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Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
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