I think I won the penis lottery.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
