I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
