I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
