Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Randomize
