i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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