The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
