they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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