So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
