sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
