So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
