There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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