I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
