I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.