am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
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He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
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So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.