When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
