he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Enjoy the penises
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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