My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
