Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
