I feel like I'm in dance class right now
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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