If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
