My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
