Whod you bang
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
