The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Randomize
