Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
