Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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