sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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