The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I AM VODKA MAN
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
