i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
