I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
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