it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
