I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
