No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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