woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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