I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.