You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
love makes seman taste better
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
