Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Randomize
