This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
my penis made a compromise with my morals
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
