So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
