god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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