I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
