Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
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