I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
