We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
