I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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