My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
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