Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
